Chapter 40

All I have to say is, thank god I made it this far. It seems like I've been striving to hit the 40 mark forever. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter, I wrote and re-wrote it 3 times just to try to get it right and I'm still not completely satisfied.

But first, a refresher from the last chapter:

"I'm going with you to dinner at your parents" he stated looking at me like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Reaching forward to grasp my arm firmly in his hand, he pulled me closer as he attempted to herd me out the front door like some belligerent sheep in need of forceful guiding. Against the disadvantage of my skinny high heels and Sid's strength, I almost toppled after him before I managed to dig my heels in and hold my ground.

Now I knew for sure: I was going to kill Max and Eliza Talbot. Then get to Sidney next.

****

Years later, I would come to regret not physically hurting Sid as much as he was emotionally hurting me in the next few moments outside of his car.

In those moments, he was everything that I characteristically hated about a person. Pushy, overbearing, arrogant and oddly enough, trying to grovel at the same time. If there was one emotional action that I couldn't bear, it was grovelling. What's the point? You only make the person that you're apologizing to uncomfortable and you also look like a huge fool in the process. It's demeaning to humankind and equally demeaning to be on the receiving end of it.

"Just get in the car" Sidney stated gesturing towards the open passenger door. When I raised my eyebrow at him in refusal and with a 'you've got to be kidding me' attitude, he pleaded. "Please, just get in and we'll talk on the way."

He wasn't going to give up but neither was I. If I was going anywhere, it certainly wasn't going to be in his car. He would decide that we needed to talk. He would drive us. He  would continue to make decisions for the both of us and slowly drive me insane until I could barely recognize myself anymore. It was utterly maddening.

"No" I told him ignoring the look of exasperation on his face. "If we go anywhere together, I'm driving us." With that I turned on my heel and he didn't try to grab me and pull me back. I walked to my car parked next to his in the driveway and unlocked the doors not really caring if he was joining me or not.

Silently, he locked up his car and pocketed the keys while opening the passenger door of my much smaller car. All he said was a simple "Okay" before I started the engine and backed out of my driveway.

I was distressingly off schedule and not looking forward to the disapproving looks of my mother while she complained about having to have the Chef hold dinner while they waited around for me. Never mind that the real reason she was always such a stickler for time was that she couldn't bear to spend any more time with her husband unattended than was necessary.

"So can we talk?" Sidney spoke up first, breaking the chilly silence between us in the car.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea" I responded silently considering just leaving him by the side of the road. I knew that our problems weren't entirely one sided. With him and I, it was never just one person's fault, usually it was a combination of both of our problems snowballing into one big mess.

"Why not?" he asked frowning.

"Because we're about to go to my parent's house for dinner and I can't decide which is worse: talking about our relationship right now or the prospect of having a dinner at home. So no, I don't really want to talk right now."

Sighing agitatedly, he dropped the subject and stretched his legs out uncomfortably. It was a classic Sidney's annoyed action and it made me feel slightly better to see him so obviously off balance by my unwillingness to slap a smile on my face and forgive him.

I spent the rest of the drive trying to relax and center my mind before going into what I lovingly referred to as the Lion's Den. That alone spoke volumes about how happy and loving the home I had grown up in was.

After another 15 minutes of quiet driving, we finally pulled onto the street of the stately neighborhood of my youth. Big trees shaded the road with large brick homes facing each other on each side of the street. It was all seemingly normal at the facade.

"This is where you grew up?" Sidney asked looking at all of the similar houses neatly lined up and down the street. I nodded and he snorted like something was amusing him.

"What?"  I asked wondering what was so funny.

"Nothing" he grinned. "It's just nothing like Cole Harbor is all."

Well no shit, Sidney. You had a normal, happy childhood while I didn't. Obviously this tiny section of Fox Chapel was world's away from the supportive town that had fostered Sidney's career. Instead of snapping at him like I wanted to, I kept my mouth shut and continued to drive.

I turned off the street and pulled into one of the largest homes on the street. I parked the car behind my Mother's new Jag noting that my Father's car wasn't there yet. Smart man- he probably knew that I would be a few minutes late and didn't want to be there with my Mother either.

"Hey, hey stop a second" Sidney said jogging up to me and taking my hand in his.

My nerves were already starting to hum in anticipation of time spent with my family and his hand added more sparks and tension.

"What are we when we walk in there?" he asked gently gripping my hand in his.

"You're my friend" I told him decidedly. I wasn't going to fake it to anyone and tell my parents that we were happily dating and in love. It would just be a sham and it would hurt much later on when I was finally alone.

He rolled his eyes at the use of the word "friend." "You know we're not just friends" he told me suddenly pulling me much closer to his body.

Before I could answer, the front door swung open and my Mother stepped out onto the front steps excitedly saying my name but keeping her eyes pinned on Sidney curiously.

"Hi Mom" I stepped out of Sidney's grasp and walked forward to accept her air-kisses on both cheeks in the European style she was so accustomed to.

"And who's this?" she smiled holding her hand out for Sidney to kiss. Of course, him being him, he interpreted her extended hand as an offered handshake. Even if tonight was going to be a disaster, it was so worth it to see the expression on her face as Sidney brusquely shook her hand as if she were just another, regular person.

"Shall we go inside?" she offered still eyeing Sidney up and down in appraisal. It was obvious that she had no idea who he was or why he was here because I hadn't mentioned that I was bringing someone.

The inside of the house was exactly as I remembered it: colorless and stark because my Mother claimed that it made everything look clean. Rooms and furniture were always white and the only room I remembered having any color was my bedroom which I had been allowed to hire a decorator for and paint and decorate on my own.

"It's all white" I heard Sidney mutter beside me in disbelief. I noticed that his arm had settled around my waist protectively in a move that hadn't gone unnoticed by my Mother. Her eyebrow raised in appreciation and I could tell that even though she didn't know him, she approved of whatever type of relationship we did have together. Sidney was dressed nicely and looked clean cut enough to go to dinner at the country club. That was all that ever mattered to her in my choice of a mate.

"Where's Dad?" I asked stepping out of my shoes and watching Sid automatically do the same thing.

"He's late" was all that she said before turning and walking down the long hallway towards the kitchen. The shortness of her reply was further proof that they had recently fought about something and that the irritation was still fresh.

I tried to follow her into the kitchen but was stopped by Sidney's firm grip on my arm. Gentling his hold, he stood before me. "Everything okay?" he asked simply and I knew that the simple sentence was his method of reassurance in what was sure to be a stressful situation.

Since he already knew about my upbringing, logically in my mind, I knew that there was really nothing to hide from him about my dysfunctional other life. Still, it was embarrassing to let him see this other side of me and try to support me when I wasn't even sure what we were to each other anymore. Were we simply friends or were we still dating? Everything about this evening was starting without boundaries and I was already too rundown to try to start putting them up.

"Yeah" I told him expelling the breath I had been holding in and trying to relax. "Let's just go in and hope the dinner goes quickly." I squeezed his arm again to let him know that despite the circumstances of our relationship, I appreciated that he was here for me right now.

These may not be the most ideal circumstances for him to meet my parents but it did mean something that he was willing to stay here and suffer with me. He actually seemed kind of interested in all of this in a weird kind of way. His eyes kept grazing over the empty walls void of family photos or artwork and I knew that he was using a lot of his infamous willpower to keep his mouth shut from asking more questions about it.

He let me go and followed me down the hall into the kitchen where my Mom was unwrapping boxes of food from their plastic containers. Of course she hadn't actually cooked but I kept my mouth shut for fear of starting an argument prematurely.

"So what are we having?" I asked with the intention of helping her set out the food and set up. She waved me off and instructed both of us to sit down where I noticed only 3 table settings were laid out. Obviously something was big was up with my Dad. Even though they fought constantly and lived separate lives, he never blatantly skipped out on dinner before.

"I ordered from that Greek restaurant you like" my Mom answered setting food down in the center of the table. Sid and I were seated across from each other and his foot bumped mine under the table. When I looked up at him, his eyes were focused on me in a questioning gaze.

"I hope you like Mediterranean cuisine, Sidney" my Mom's voice interrupted our staring and prompted me to focus on the food in front of us instead.

Sid meanwhile produced one of his oh-so charming smiles and graciously told my Mom that he loved Greek food even though I knew that was a lie. It wasn't that he disliked Greek-type foods, it was just that he hardly ever ate stuff like that. He was more of a simple meat and potatoes guy and always ordered the same things when we ate out or cooked at each other's houses.

"So how long have you two been dating?" My Mom finally asked steering the conversation into a territory I was wary of. How did we even begin to answer that question when I wasn't entirely sure that we were still dating? Besides, I distinctly remembered telling him outside that we were friends. Just friends.

"Since New Years" Sidney answered beating me to the punch. Underneath the table his foot pressed down on mine in what I could tell was a warning. A warning for what exactly? I was the one who would be embarrassed by the real explanation, not him.

"Oh? That's interesting" My Mom answered in a way that I could tell wasn't actually all that interesting to her.

I ignored their casual conversation and focused my attention on the food in front of me. At least this was takeout from one of my favorite spots in Pittsburgh.

The rest of dinner was actually going okay except my Mom wouldn't let up about our relationship. She didn't seem to be interested in who he was or how big a deal he was to the outside world because of his career. She mainly just seemed concerned about why we were still together which was obviously a touchy subject for both of us to discuss. We couldn't even talk about it with each other so it was 10 times more difficult to talk about it to my own Mother who I wasn't even remotely close to.

It was almost comical watching the dinner unfold before me when I compared it to how spending time with Sidney's family had been. That had been sweet and normal. His family was welcoming and warm whereas mine was sterile and non-existent considering my Dad wasn't even present.

"So where's Dad at?" I asked blatantly cutting off Sidney's explanation of where Cole Harbor is in Canada.

Turning her attention to me slowly, my Mother made it clear that she was not pleased with my interruption. "He was detained" she said simply, drawing out the word detained like a villain in a Disney movie.

"What does that mean?" I asked ignoring Sid's kick into my shin from under the table. He was quickly picking up on the sudden tension between us in the room and sent me a look that said "drop it." The thing was, I couldn't drop the subject. She had been playing perfect hostess to us all evening and it was flat out weird and irritating that my Dad wasn't here to suffer through the ordeal with us.

Plus it hurt not to have him here. We hardly ever saw each other and this was one easy thing he could have come to just to catch up with me and physically see me. Didn't he care about seeing his daughter more than once a year?

"It means that he's not coming" she answered again shortly. "Just let it go, Emma." I tried to open my mouth again but she cut me off before I could agree with her or say something to the contrary.

"He's decided that his fiance and her family are more pressing than you and I are so I requested that he refrain from stopping by this evening."

Out of complete surprise, my fork clattered to my plate before I even realized that I had let go of it. His fiance??? How could he have a fiance when he was still technically married to my own mother?

"We've filed for divorce already" she answered my question calmly and without any remorse or feeling in her voice. "It happened about a month ago."

I felt like a car had just run over me and then reversed itself on me again. How had this been happening without them even bothering to pick up the phone and tell me about it. I wasn't naive, I knew that they were separated and married by name only but it was kind of a big deal that they were finally divorcing and going their separate ways. How could they not tell their only daughter this? What was worse, my Dad was happily making plans to settle down with a new family and hadn't even bothered to properly ditch his old one!

I couldn't form enough words to convey how much I absolutely hated my parents in that minute and half that it took me to fully digest her words. In my mind, they didn't even seem like my parents anymore. They were just two people who had been coming and going in my life for as long as I could remember and assuming the title of parent whenever it was convenient for them. They had never been physically or emotionally supportive of me, just financially supportive. It seemed like they didn't even like me half of the time, they just tolerated me because I had been expelled from my Mother's womb and miraculously conceived.

They sure as hell didn't respect me if neither or them couldn't be bothered to at least tell me what was going on with them when something important like this happened. It made me wonder if they were ever planning on telling me in the first place or if it simply slipped both of their minds.

I had been sitting silently for a few minutes trying to come to grips with all of this new information when I felt Sidney rub my foot with his soothingly. He was silently begging me to say something responsive but I knew that I couldn't form words to either of them. I was at a complete loss about what to say to her. Did I apologize? Did we commiserate about what an old bastard he was all along anyway? Did she even want or care about support from me?

Instead I excused myself and went to the bathroom where I greedily gulped in air like I had been swimming underwater for too long. My chest felt so hollow and I was so suddenly so exhausted that I could have curled up on the tile in the bathroom and slept for days.

"Hey" Sid's voice spoke behind me, watching me splash cold water onto my face. I didn't care about what my makeup looked like at this point, I just needed to keep soaking my face to keep from breaking down and crying. Crying right now would surely be worse than having smudged makeup.

I toweled off my face and tried to pinch my cheeks to bring more color back into them. All the while Sidney was watching me silently, trying to judge what my next move would be. I wanted to know what he was thinking but was almost afraid to ask because I didn't want anything remotely close to pity from him either.

"Come here" he instructed, willing me to step into his arms. He pulled me tighter into his chest and rested his head on mine, giving me the support I needed. I needed him to hold me together and the binding of his arms around my body felt like he was holding everything in place so that I couldn't fall to pieces on the ground.

He whispered soothing things to me that I couldn't understand with my face pressed so tightly into his chest. He continued to hold me until he eased back a little bit and look down at me.

"Come on" he said pulling me from my hiding space in the bathroom. I tried to refuse but he was insistent and shook his head. "I'm not sitting here for the rest of the night and letting her upset you like this. I can't watch her treat you like shit."

Firmly gripping my hand, we walked into the kitchen where my Mom was cleaning up dishes and getting rid of the food that we hadn't finished eating. Her back was to us but Sidney gently prodded me to say something.

"Mom, we're gonna go." She turned giving us both veiled looks but nodded like she wasn't entirely surprised.

"Let's do this again soon" she offered patting my shoulder and giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. She did the same to Sidney and stepped back putting distance between us once again. I didn't think that we would be doing this again any time soon but nodded anyway knowing that this was just part of the game with her.

The weird thing was, leaving was was surprisingly easy after that. She turned around and continued to clean dishes giving us both permission to leave without making anything more messy or complicated than it already was. I tried to feel something leaving but was amazed when I felt nothing short of relief as Sidney led me out to the car and pushed me into sitting on the passenger side so that he could drive home instead.

After adjusting the seat for his height, his hand reached over for mine and intertwined our fingers together while he drove. He didn't try to make conversation or press me to talk about the evening when I didn't want him to and I was grateful that we could just sit and be quiet together so that I didn't have to think anymore.

When we finally arrived back at my house, I was relieved that the night was finally over and that I would be able to just go to sleep and forget that the evening had ever happened. I full expected Sidney to just leave and want to go home after the train wreck that he had just witnessed but he surprised me by leading me to the door and helping me make sure that my house was locked up for the night.

I wasn't sure what we were doing and I wasn't really up for any of the options either. Did we talk? Did he try to make me feel better with his Sidney Crosby logic and optimism for impossibly bad situations?

Instead he asked if he could stay the night. "I want to stay with you" he said when I stared at him in surprise.

"Look, Sidney I appreciate everything that you've done tonight but I'm not sure that's a good idea right now."

He waved off my protests and pulled me in front of him by the shoulders. "I don't want us to talk or anything, I just want to stay the night and make sure that you're okay. You need someone to be here so that you're not alone" he stressed looking down at me determinedly.

"Okay" I agreed allowing him to follow me up the stairs to my room. Without saying anything more, we both stepped out of our shoes and clothes and got ready for bed. He didn't let me linger over whether or not it would be weird to cuddle up against him like I normally did and pulled me over to him as soon as we both crawled into bed.

"Do you have to go anywhere tomorrow morning?" I asked moving slightly to set the alarm just in case.

"No, just go to sleep" he murmured already sounding drowsy.

Minutes later I assumed that he was already out when he whispered, "I can't promise that we won't talk tomorrow. There's a lot that we need to sort out."

Before I could ask him what that meant exactly he let out a soft snore indicating that his sleep was for real this time.