Chapter 37

Emma's POV:

When my cell rang the next morning, I didn't even bother to check who it was before I waited for it to shut off so that I could go back to sleep. I didn't usually sleep in late on weekends but this seemed like a good weekend to start becoming one of those people that literally stay in all day on  a Saturday and sit around wearing my PJs.

When the doorbell rang twice, I groaned realizing that I wasn't going to have the chance to be one of those people.

I was just belting my robe when I saw the shadow of Sidney standing on my stoop and waiting patiently in front of the door. I opened it before he could ring the doorbell again.

"Hey" he said dropping his arm and stepping forward to kiss me. I turned my head just in time for him to get nothing but cheek. To say that I was shocked and a little uncomfortable to see him was an understatement.

"Sid, what are you doing here?" I asked taking a step back but not sure if I actually wanted him to come inside or not. If he came in, that meant that I would have to actually talk to him. That also meant that I would also have to find a way to shoo him along. Maybe I could deal with him on Monday, just not today. Today I needed time to myself to decide what I wanted to do about him and try to brace myself for next weekends impending disaster dinner with my parents.

He smiled broadly at me and pulled me close still obviously thinking that everything was peachy keen with us.

"Hey" he said pulling back from his second attempt to kiss me. "What's going on? Are you okay?"

Suddenly I had a lump in my throat. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to speak up and finally tell him that I found our relationship to be ridiculously flawed (last night as the ultimate example) and that we really needed to set out ground rules if we were going to make anything other than friendship work.

Of course I choked.

"No, everything's okay, I'm just surprised is all" I lied taking another step back. He followed me into the kitchen where I set about making coffee. Maybe the caffeine would give me the courage I needed to confront him.

Why was it so ridiculously hard to confront this man? I was head over heels for him but I couldn't be honest and speak my mind with him now all of the sudden? When I actually had the freaking chance?

He stepped around me and the coffee pot and trapped me against the counter. "Can I have my real hello now?" he asked grinning and turning me to face him. He was so close that I could smell his morning shower on him but instead of feeling that familiar giddy feeling I normally got around him, I only felt dread and annoyance. If only he didn't stir all of these feelings in me, then maybe I would be able to think clearly.

"I'm just not feeling too great this morning" I said hoping he would just take a step back and let me breathe for a second.

The line between his eyes deepened and he took that much needed step back from me. I turned back to the coffee and pulled out two mugs for the both of us.

"So, is there a particular reason why you're here at 10am on a Saturday?" I asked handing him his coffee. He liked it black, no cream, no sugar whereas I dilluted mine away with enough cream and sugar to make a pastry.

"Uh, no" he said accepting the coffee mug. "Do I need a reason? I kind of just wanted to see you since I was gone all week."

Yeah, and you could have had a delicious home cooked meal with me last night and lots of hello sex until you blew me off. That would have made up for not seeing each other all week.

"Sid, we need to talk" I said practically word vomitting all over the kitchen counter. This was now or never. My chance to finally tell him how I felt and lay out the ground rules. It was either this or I would have to do what I absolutely dreaded: walk away from him. Even though I was pretty sure my heart would be in two pieces, I had to stick up for myself eventually. I was done with him being oblivious.

"Okay" he said setting his mug down and looking at me seriously. Most guys would be completely freaked out by those words but not Sid. Sid was obviously approaching this like anything else in his life: calmly and with a hockey captain mentality.

"What's going on?" he asked prompting me to finally say something.

There I was, on the spot again but with the perfect opportunity to say something and I had no idea how to even formulize what I wanted to do or say.

Maybe that was the root of the problem. Every time we were apart I could easily count all of the things that were wrong with our relationship. Then as soon as we were back together and he was near me again, all of those faults and reasons why this wasn't working flew right out the window just because it was him. Was that enough to outweigh the bad?

"Em, you're freaking me out" he said stepping in front of me and gently smoothing over my shoulders with his hands. "Is this about last night?" he asked smiling and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. He was smiling at me in that placating way of his that I detested. He obviously didn't see that he had done something wrong.

"What about last night?" Was he seriously going to apologize before I even got the chance to chew him out?

"I'm sorry I never called you back. I went out with some of the guys after the game to unwind."

Everything about his demeanor and statement told me that he was genuinely sorry. For Sidney, this was about as honest and apologetic as you could get because Sid didn't say 'sorry' without a reason. I knew him well enough to know that when he said anything, he really meant it. Usually I admired this honesty in him but it wasn't enough anymore.

"So are you okay now?" he asked obviously ready to move past this little speed bump and change the subject.

"No, actually, it's not okay" I sighed stepping back so that he was no longer touching me. I didn't want to make this an angry conversation but I could feel the irritation bubbling up within me. "You can't just do what you did last night all of the time."

He looked so confused that I knew that I needed to put this in the simplest terms possible. Isn't that what Vero told me to do awhile ago? Be firm, clear and stand my ground with him. That's what I planned to do.

"Sidney, you have to actually realize that we're in a relationship." There, that was clear enough.

"What? We are  in a relationship" he said shaking his head in disbelief at me. "Listen is this about last night? Because I swear that I-"

"No, stop. This isn't just about last night" I said cutting off what was likely to be his second apology. "It's more than that."

I needed to sit down before I said what I was starting to dread talking about with him. Maybe this wasn't something that we could work out just by talking. What it was going to come down to was whether or not we both actively worked to change things.

"I don't think that I can do this anymore if some things don't change between us" I told him trying to guage his reaction.  "No, just hear me out" I said halting whatever he was about to say so that I could finish. "You're so wrapped up in hockey all of the time that everything else always comes second. Sid, I don't know that I can always be second in someone's life. I want to be the first sometimes."

He stared at me completely baffled and it hurt just to look at him. I held up my hand as if to pause whatever he was about to say so that he could try to understand what I was telling him.

"Look, I understand your career and its demands. You are to hockey as the game is to you and I would never take that away from you or ask you to sacrifice your career for anything." I paused wondering how to explain myself to him in the clearest way possible. "It's just that last night was the perfect example of how sometimes you take it too far."

"What are you saying exactly?" he asked me. The fact that he was just listening to me and not really arguing worried me.

"I'm saying that you need to learn to make room in your life for more than just hockey."

He stared at me long enough for me to realize that he wasn't going to take what I had said easily. My fear was confirmed when he stepped back shaking his head in disbelief.

"Seriously? You don't think that I've made room for you?"

"That's not what I said" I cut in trying to diffuse his already growing anger.

"Yes it is" he pointed out. "I know I screwed up last night but I don't think that I deserve to be accused of not caring for you or not wanting to be with you" he bit out.

I hadn't expected him to go from calm to angry so quickly and it made actually communicating with him ten times worse.

"Okay listen" I said attempting to take back control of this conversation. "That's not what I said, Sidney. I never said that you don't care about me. I just said that you need to realize that there is more than hockey in your life."

"Isn't that the same thing?" he argued.

"No, it's not" I clarified. "Listen to me" I said watching his eyes meet mine again. "I want this to work, but we both need to go the distance if it is going to work. That means calling me or texting me to let me know what's going on in your life. That means you need to think about the people who care about you on a daily basis rather than just whenever you breeze through town."

"If you don't think that you can do that, then I don't know what else to do."

Even to me this felt like an ultimatum. My own words were stabbing me and I tried to swallow both my nerves and my tears to have the courage to keep going.

"I'm giving you all that I can" he stated, his words just icy enough to make me watch him carefully. "If you don't see that, then I don't know what to do or say either." He paused and his gaze was so intense, it forced me to look down and stare at my own hands. "Maybe we should just walk away."

My heart slammed against my chest with his words. So that was it? It was really that easy for him to just agree with me and walk away? As stupid as it was, I realized that there was never any real bite behind my threats to leave and end all of this. I loved him too much to actually let him go without a real fight. Instead now it seemed like it was coming back to bite me in the ass.

"Is that what you want?"  I asked dreading the answer; it wasn't what I wanted.

"No" he said giving me a tiny sliver of hope and then crushing it. "But it seems to be what you want. So I guess I'll do whatever you think is best."

And with that, he left; leaving me alone in my kitchen and wondering how all of this had blown up in my face and why at the end, I hadn't done my part to stop him from leaving.