Chapter 23

Ohmygosh you guys. I'm seriously sorry that I haven't updated for 10 days. That's ridiculous. But good news! I am back on a normal sleeping schedule, done with finals, home for a month and I have plenty of writing ideas. So hopefully I can achieve the zen like writing state I was in all summer while writing my first story and bang out a few chapters. I promise from now on to stop being such a writing tease with all of you.

Happy Holidays!!! :) We just got a ton of snow here in Pennsylvania and it's gorgeous and perfect for Christmastime.

BTW: this chapter starts right where the last one left off ;)

Listen to: "Crash into Me"- Dave Matthews Band and "Say Goodbye"- Dave Matthews Band. Not really Holiday music, I know but this is what I was listening to that reminded me of these characters.

Sid's POV:


I have that shaky nervous feeling in my chest when I leave the garage and brush past Taylor who's whining at me to help her carry the hors d'oeuvres inside to the kitchen. It's the feeling I used to get my first season playing in the NHL when I secretly wanted to vomit before each game. I don't know what's been going on with me, with both of us lately, but it makes me want to run like hell and get back to Pittsburgh where I could put some distance between us and get my head back where it needed to be. Except kissing her was a problem in Pittsburgh too so I couldn't blame my sudden urges on the fact that we were in a different location- it was definitely something else.

A minute later I heard Emma walk back into the house from the garage and join my parents in the living room, bypassing the kitchen where I was completely. She was probably just as confused as I was- maybe more so and she wasn't good at confrontation usually. At least for now I could try to figure out what was going on without worrying about how I was going to explain myself to her.

"Hey Hon, I think you might want to take Emma home soon. She's practically falling asleep on the couch even though your father has the volume on the TV cranked up so high" my Mom said walking in on me just sitting and staring down at the kitchen table in front of me. A look of concern passes over her face as she notices how serious I've become.

"Is everything alright? Why are you in here by yourself?"

"Just thinking, that's all" I reply trying to keep the tone light. If it was my Dad in here asking me the same question, he would worry and think that it's hockey related. Since it's my Mom, she'll know it's personal and do one of two things: pry or let me think it out on my own.

"Does it have to do with a certain red head who's currently in our living room?" she asks this while setting two cups of fresh coffee on the table and taking a seat across from me. My eyebrows shoot up in surprise even though I should know better by now- Mom's always have a freaky knack for knowing exactly what's wrong with their kids. This is also an uncomfortable subject to talk about. We've never talked about a girl before mostly because there wasn't time- and the fact that I've been gone most of the year playing hockey since I was 15. No one's ever gotten under my skin like Emma before though either.

Since I can't help wanting to know, I ask how she knew that I was thinking about Emma.

"Sidney, you may be 25 years old but you're still my son. And I've never seen you take your eyes off the ice long enough to look at a woman the way I've seen you look at Emma."

"I know you have a lot on your plate right now Sid but-" she pauses for a moment leaving me hanging and wanting to know what she was about to say while her eyes flick in between me and the living room. "Just think about that, okay? She looks back you know." After giving my hand one last squeeze, she passes through the room calling for Taylor upstairs and leaving me alone again with even more to think about.

When I eventually leave the kitchen, Emma and I spend the rest of the night pretending that everything's normal and for the most part, she avoids my gaze completely and instead focuses on talking hockey with my Dad. I didn't know that she was that knowledgeable about the game but if she can keep up with my Dad, then I'm impressed. I'm also impressed by the way that she manages to look past the analytical looks and questions my Dad asks her about her job, her life, everything. Most would be scared off by now but she's handling it all like a champ.

While I watch them and pretend to be paying attention to the TV, I notice that she's even made him laugh at something she's said and I realize that she knows what he's up to also. She understands how protective he is, albeit scary, and that he's just testing her before he's nicer to her. Little does she realize that she's already won all of them over anyway.

"Hey Em, are you ready to go?" I ask interrupting their conversation once I realize its 11: 30 and we have a long day ahead of us again tomorrow when more family comes in to spend the day with us again.

"Go where?" she asks looking confused. "Aren't we staying here?"

I detect the uneasiness in her voice and realize that despite both of us being adults, we're probably not ready to be alone yet. Too bad we can't kick one of my grandmother's out from the spare bedrooms upstairs.

"We're staying at my house since the spare bedrooms are already full here" I explain. She looks embarrassed as she remembers this detail from earlier and gets up with me to start saying goodbye to my parents and Taylor. My Mom waves us goodbye from the door and reminds us to be back over in the morning around 10 for breakfast as we both split at the car and jump in on our respective sides. Luckily, for the first few minutes of the car ride, we're both consumed with something to do: me with driving and her with fiddling with the radio.

She hums along to a song I don't know and stares out the window. I catch sight of the way her red hair is illuminated by the soft light from the lamps on the road and how pink her cheeks are just from being outside in the cold wind. Despite the shitty tension between us right now, she looks content and I realize that that's why I had the strong urge to pull her outside and kiss her tonight. The same expression of happiness that she has on now was the same one I saw glimpses of all day as she spent time with my family and laughed at their terrible jokes and put up with my Dad's prying.

Even the way she looked when she tried to boss me around while we searched for a Christmas tree- even though she had never done that before. It was because she looked happy and somehow, I had played a part in making that happen.

And it made me feel something. Proud even. Like I had accomplished something important. I hadn't noticed before how important it was to me to make this one particular person happy.

We pulled up to the house by the water that I had purchased a few years ago but barely spent any time in. I was eager to know what she thought of it and wasn't disappointed when her face broke out into a huge grin.

"So this is what it looks like" she said releasing her seat belt and hopping down from the SUV. I'm torn between wanting to give her the grand tour and show her how awesome the back yard is and yelling at her to hustle and get inside because it's below freezing outside. Before I have to make a decision, she's back at the truck grabbing her bag with me and following me up to the door so we can get inside and out of the cold.

"I don't think I'm used to how cold it is yet" she grins unwrapping her scarf from her neck and unbuttoning the front of her coat. She shrugs off her coat and somehow knows exactly which door to pick in the foyer that is the nearly empty coat closet. She waits for me to show her around and jokes that even though I spend less time here, this house is decorated more than my home in Pittsburgh.

I'm enjoying that things are easy between us again when I open my big mouth. "You know, you're always bitching about what my house looks like. Why don't you just decorate it for me. Then you can finally be happy."

Suddenly we're both awkward again, as if unsure what the implications are to what I just said.

"Here, I'll show you where the guest bedroom is" I say grabbing her bag for her and leaving her to follow me upstairs. Once I've set the bag down on the bed for her, I turn to see her blinking at me with an unfamiliar expression on her face.

"Um, bathrooms right across the hall, my room's next door if you need something." We stare at each other again, me trying to think of something to say other than 'goodnight' before I give up and leave. I know I should say something but I can't form words and so instead I close the door  behind me, wanting to punch myself as I retreat into my own room.

Emma's POV:

He's out the door, shutting it firmly behind him before I can think of something to say that will make him stay and talk to me. It's evident by the way that we've been acting since dinner that a talk is coming and even though I hate being the confrontational one in relationships, Sidney's even more chicken shit than I am apparently.

Fearless on the ice but unable to confront little old me. If it wasn't happening to me, I would probably find this situation funny. It was like we were stuck in a perpetual game of ping pong and we both couldn't get off the court until the game was over. But if we kept kissing each other and not talking about what it meant, then the game would never be over.

I change into shorts and a t-shirt and washe my face still mulling over my options. I could wait until morning and be the one to finally bring it up for I could take my chances and just wait until we're in Pittsburgh again. After splashing more cold water on my face, I caught a glimpse of my freshly scrubbed face and grimmaced. My hair was twisted up into a messy bun on my head and my skin and lips were obviously chapped and red from the biting cold winds up here. In other words, I looked like a disaster. What did he even see in me to want to kiss my blotchy self?

I knew that I liked him, possibly even love loved him for the past few years but was it different for him? Was I still the friend that he happened to kiss from time to time or was he just as confused as I was? Before I can change my mind, I step out of my room and knock on his door quietly noting that there is still a sliver of light peeking out from underneath the door.

He doesn't answer and I take my chances cracking the door open and calling out his name. He pokes his head out of his closet, brows furrowed in confusion. When the rest of his body appears in the room, I need a spark plug to get my brain operating safely again. He must have just started to change with his shirt already off and the belt around his waist hanging open. If there was a God, he or she was a very, very cruel person.

"Is it about the heat? I'm going to turn it up a little- I know it's pretty chilly up here." He was right about that part. Even from here I could see the goosebumps raised on his skin. Then again, I was trying not to linger there for too long. The more I looked, the more I wanted to give in and touch his smooth skin.

"Um no" I replied focusing on the task at hand and not how toned his shoulders looked. "I actually just wanted to talk." I let out the breath I had been holding in feeling my nerves take over, especially as he stepped closer to me. Unfortunately, the quick, typical, male look of panic crosses over his face before I can gather up the courage to keep talking.

If it's possible, my heart literally does plummet down to the depths of my stomach and my brain goes into overdrive trying to process an escape route. Great, now I want to talk about where we stand and he doesn't want to at all.

"Talk?" he questions while I force my head into some nodding and shaking motion that confuses even me.

"Actually, if you don't mind, we can just wait. Yeah, why don't we do it later?" I'm edging towards the door now feeling like a complete fool and hating myself for my own self-imposed cowardice. "No worries" I squeak out again talking over what he's about to say.

Unfortunately, before I'm out the door completely his hand clamps down on my arm and gently pulls me to him in the center of the room. "Are you done talking yet?" he asks looking down at me with a smile on his face.

His smile shoots warm heat into my stomach and I'm able to relax just because that grin is directed at me, no longer making me feel silly or like a fool. We're not talking, instead silently communicating as our eyes meet. His hands sliding to my back to rest lightly against my spine and though he applies no pressure to push me towards him, my hands rest on his shoulders and we're suddenly standing closer together.

He leans forward almost meeting my lips again with his own, pausing to meet my eyes one last time as if making sure that it's okay. It's not okay of course because we're supposed to be talking about why this keeps happening to begin with. Instead I give in and meet him halfway, our lips molding to each other like old, well-versed friends. The feeling of his big hands sliding down my back, separated only by a thin t-shirt and his warm skin under my own hands is enough to make me shiver and push myself up higher on my tippy toes to accomodate his mouth. Someone moans but I'm no longer sure if it's me making the noises or him- all I know is that we're no longer standing but instead moving over to the bed beside us as we fall into an ungraceful heap of limbs on his bed. I don't even care as I feel all of his glorious muscles pushing my body into the mattress beneath us. All I can feel is the slide of his skin beneath my hands urging his lips on as they move gently down the slope of my chin and to the sensitive spot beneath my ear that he's already learned to exploit.

Our lips meet again and there's a new sense of urgency to expose more of each other with his hands edging my oversized t-shirt up and pressing our bare torsos together. I help him remove it completely from my body and his hands immediately seek out the straps of my bra, starting to nudge them down and touch me where my body is screaming for him to place his hands.

"Sidney" I gasp out once my mouth is free trying to form words that I'm desperately lacking. My body is screaming for him and yet I know we can't do this- we can't do this until we've talked about something that's been happening lately. He stops because he's Sidney and I trust him more than anyone and I know that he would never force something like this.

"Sidney, we really do need to talk" I repeat propping myself up once there's some space between us. My bra is practically hanging off of me and I'm wearing nothing but boxers but somehow I don't feel self-conscious in front of him. "Why do we keep doing this?" I ask deciding to be the first one to speak up and clear the air.

"I don't know" he confesses rubbing a hand over his face.

"Do you want it to be something?"

"I don't know, do you?" he counters looking just as lost as I feel. I realize that we're not getting anywhere because the lines between friends and more than friends has been irrevocably blurred between us.

"I'm attracted to you, ridiculously attracted to you" I blurt out trying to let him know that my own feelings aren't completely platonic anymore. Not that they had ever been completely platonic but he didn't need to know that.

He snorts and his eyes crinkle into a smile. "I think it's safe to say that I'm attracted to you too" he replies dryly. He leans over gently pulling one of my bra straps back up onto my shoulder and letting his fingers linger for longer than necessary.

"So, I hate to ask, but what do we do now?" His question surprises me and I can't do anything but stare at him for a long moment and try to pull a coherent thought together. He had once again hit the ball back to me in our twisted little game of relationship ping pong.

"Well, if we're going to persue this thing we have-whatever that may be, then I think we should go slow. Get used to this change and then decide what's happening."

"Take things slow?" he asks again.

"And casual" I emphasize not wanting to put labels on anything. I'm certainly not ready for that and I'd be willing to bet that he isn't either given our current state of discomfort with each other.

"Want me to get a lawyer? Draw up a contract?" he jokes and I'm grateful to him for trying to lighten the mood between us.

"We could just have Eliza do it" I remind him feeling better now that we've established something. Maybe it's a woman thing to want to put labels on everything because suddenly I feel a lot better.

I touch my lips to his again lightly intending to keep it short and sweet. Sidney responds eagerly tempting me to revert back to where we left off 10 minutes ago. He groans when I break away grinning at him this time.

"Want to watch TV with me or something?"

He nods disappearing into his closet once again and reappearing in a t-shirt and sweatpants. We scoot back against the bed and slide under the covers, one of his arms pulling me closer to his body but not too close and I lean back comfortably against the arm wrapped around my shoulders.

As we decide on something to watch, I let him decide not really caring. My eyes are already heavy and as he decides on an old re-run of "Friends" and I let the soft rumble of his chest as he laughs at the dialogue lull me to sleep.